Puja S. Transcript
Hi, my name is Puja, and I acquired a mild traumatic brain injury on August 26, 2016. And that was the day that my life changed forever.
My story is a bit ironic as it happened on the exact same day of my second interview for position as a provisional psychologist helping people with mild traumatic brain injuries. I remember calling my mom because something felt unsettled inside of me. And so she began to console me. Regretfully, I didn’t heed the signs of my intuition because three and a half hours later, I acquired a mild traumatic brain injury. Immediately, I was thrust into silence, sequestered to my home, isolated from a normal means of communication and connection with those I loved and the things I enjoyed engaging in. My dreams materialized the same day they vanished, like a mirage.
The next day, my brain felt like someone had lit a torch and set it on fire. It felt like there was an uncontrollable inferno inside of my head, a raging headache. I would spend the next seven years retraining my brain to read, write, walk, bathe, listen to music, dance, cook, clean, and regain my balance among a litany of auditory issues and visual disturbances with many steps back along the way.
I had no map in hand to navigate the rough terrain I was about to embark on, and limited guidance from helping professionals. I grieved my inability to contribute, to be present, and to participate in activities for more than 20 minutes. These are the pillars of my identity. And without social interaction, I felt empty and depreciated in value. It wasn’t the physical pain, trauma, grief, that would frighten me, but the fact that I was now a vulnerable person, and at the mercy of everyone who crossed my path. I was dependent on others. So asking for help was accompanied by recovery, guilt, and backlash. The scrutiny, blame, judgment, and language used to describe my capabilities prolonged my suffering. It made it hard for me to transition to my new identity. Sadly, I expended more energy, explaining why I needed help instead of healing.
It has taken me many years and a lot of self advocacy to find the right social and professional support. I now feel the haze slowly beginning to dissipate as my strength has made its way back to me. Even though I still have an uphill journey ahead of me, I can now experience moments of joy with people I love, and I can begin creating new memories.
This experience has changed the way I view my body, especially my brain. It has taught me to be an ally to my body. Attuning to my body has shown me how hard it is working to heal and keep me safe. I live with chronic pain due to my mild traumatic brain injury, which used to make me feel at war with my body as if it was attacking me. But now I see that my body is not a battlefield, but a field that needs to be tended to with love and self-compassion. This has decreased the fear around my symptoms, as I can now notice the ebb and flow of recovery and the patterns that healing is happening.
My advice to anyone recovering from a mild traumatic brain injury is to focus on how far you have come and not how long it has taken you or how much further you have to go. Focus on the daily strides that have led to progress. Never forget to take note of your progress and lead with your values, intuition, voice, and most importantly, your lived experience because you are the expert of your care. Surround yourself by people who allow you to take the lead with everything that you need to feel whole again. You deserve to feel safe and well.
Thank you.