Jen V. Transcript

All right, so my name is Clara. And this was my concussion story. I actually have had a couple of concussions, but the story I’ll be telling today is of the first one and my most impactful concussion. And so it happened when I was around 13. I was in eighth grade. At the time, I was playing for a soccer team. And as you know, high impact sport I feel like a lot of the community of people who play soccer do have a lot of concussions. But it’s kind of this normalized thing, which is an interesting, kind of, dynamic. But we were at this away game, and there’s this girl who was about to take a penalty shot and she was kind of like the star of the other team. She was really good. She was really, really strong. I don’t remember if I was not really paying attention or just super determined. It was definitely one of the two. And there was a penalty shot, and she’s like riled up and I like “pa!” when right in front of the ball and clocked me right in the side of my face. And definitely like, you know, I didn’t I don’t think I fell down or anything. I just was kind of chilling there and then went to the sideline, my coach checked in on me, I found that my jaw hurt. Not terribly bad, but I was having a really hard time closing it. And so, I really, like talk or communicate very well. But then that all happened. And then shortly thereafter, a big storm rolled in and the game ended up getting like postponed for about an hour. And so all the girls my soccer team went into one of our teammates, big vans, like a sprinter van of the sort and had this like really lovely hour where everybody was talking and having a fun time eating some snacks, and there I was kind of sitting in the corner. Not really able to communicate with my team, but still really enjoyed being there. I don’t remember a lot of it super well. A) because this was a long time ago would B) because, you know that was shortly after I found out later that I had gotten a concussion, and so I think that there was probably an element where I was pretty dissociative there. Then the game resumed and I went about sort of playing some of that second half. I think I saw most of it out. So that was a big event. And I remember the following day, I went into take a math test and, or maybe a couple of days later, in fact, went in to take a math test and just look at that sheet of paper and could not retrieve anything from my mind. And I went up to somebody and at this point, I’m also like, trying to drink smoothies through a straw, like is the only food that I’m eating. I’ve been missing for like three days. I’m like, something’s off. “Sorry, Mrs. Newbery. I just like I can’t take this test right now.” And she was like “Yeah, no worries,” whatever I would say I need to figured this out. And I’m like, Okay, well, you know, A) my jaw isn’t getting better. Something probably needs to change here. And so I got my mom and the, like, that Friday of the week, my game was on a Saturday, I went into the doctor, and I remember sitting in the doctor’s office, and I was fiddling with my jaw, and I didn’t know if it was broken or sprained or whatever was going off it. But then I was kind of twisting it, and I popped it back into place right there in my doctor’s office! And so I was like, oh my god, the problem was totally solved. And then I went into my doctor, and I was like, “Hey, so I had a disolcated jaw, I think, and now it’s fine. I can totally talk to you.” And she looked at me and was like, “That’s great news. And also you have a concussion, like sit back down. You’re gonna be in here for a while.” And we went through all the concussion screening and it turned out, I totally had a concussion. And I don’t remember all of what it was like, but it was a lot of repeating numbers or trying to figure out days of the week or like, things like that. I think it was with the numbers and memory that I just really couldn’t pull it up even with like basic stuff. And so it didn’t I wasn’t like really shocked. I could still function semi in my in my daily life. I wasn’t like I didn’t know who I was. Or my family or anything like that. But going back home, you know, my mom said that my piano teacher when she heard that I had a concussion and would be out for a couple of weeks. Like “oh my god. That makes so much sense because like I’ve never seen her like that on a lesson before.” I had no idea about that as you know, acting strange. Anyway, so that was kind of the initial there’s also the like physical impulsiveness of having a concussion of, you know, feeling well, I guess your headache, you hurt– your body and just like a little exhausted, confused. So initially, I was just out of school for a little bit. But concussion recovery is a really tricky process, you know? And I ended up being out of school for, like, around two months I think, which is a while and that was because it was towards the end of my semester and ideally probably I would have only been out for about a month. But the way that it happened is that I had missed all this curriculum, and I would have needed a really slow and progressive approach back into school. And so I was I technically didn’t ever finish Middle School. (Laughter). I’m not a, you know, eighth grade graduate. (Laughter). But I remember that it was so hard, especially that first week I’m really not being able to do anything and sitting in your bed and a lot of the protocol is just, you know, basically don’t do anything and there’s not a lot of support offered. People are like “yeah it just sucks.” And it does totally just that but it’s also really frustrating to not have adequate resources to always be able to like maintain doing nothing, like, I remember that I would still look at my phone sometimes. I would still probably do things that weren’t great for me that probably prolonged my recovery process. And I’ve had other people, especially on soccer, who really fuck up– Oh, pardon my language– screw up their their recovery process. And because it’s like, there’s this “grind set” that you need to like get back on top of it. And it’s so hard because concussions are the one thing that you really need to have a lot of patience with. You need to find like very holistic ways of healing and really be present with yourself. And especially like in a moment, not with any distractions but also with how you’re feeling. And it can be really confusing and a lot is going on in your body and in your mind. And that’s, like, a lot to face. It’s a really difficult injury. You feel really stupid. It’s not fun, you know? And I think it would have been great to feel like I had more support during that period of time. More like maybe listening kind of resources feeling that I wasn’t alone. And it’s a hard thing to do like people to understand always what a concussion is. And so sometimes friends don’t know know how to reach you when you’re in this kind of like unreachable spot and so it’s lovely to hear that there is a community of people out there who is working to like bridge that gap between that like this connection and loneliness that people feel. But yeah, I guess it’s just that I know I certainly felt alone during that period of time. And that lonely– it’s, you know, there’s so much more we’re learning about loneliness and how detrimental it is to the human experience in terms of your brain development and happiness and all that kind of stuff– and so I do think it’s really important for people not to feel alone. But also, if you are feeling alone, that’s okay! You know, and it’s not like an emotion to be, like, ashamed of especially when you’re going through this really, kind of, like traumatizing experience. So I guess that is just what I want to offer is some, some solace and also to know that like if you do have your patience with it, and even if you don’t have your, like, great patience with it, it will pass eventually. And there will be more connection in your life in the future. And too, it’s a good experience in a lot of ways to know that you can overcome something like that. It’s kind of powerful looking back on it. So I hope you will know just how, you know, strong they are in going through that process.